I’ve been wanting to write this pregnancy talk post from the moment I found out I was pregnant, but I stalled because I know it’s such a blessing to be expecting and I would never want to offend someone who wanted that moment of finding out they were pregnant only to find that they never would. It’s a slippery slope to complain about something you’re so fortunate to experience, and I am 100% aware of that. But after months and months of thinking about it, I also wanted to be honest with this pregnancy talk post. To be honest to the women who weren’t over-the-moon every second that they’d been given this opportunity to carry a beautiful life. And my words to them are, “it’s okay.” Pregnancy is hard, and sometimes as women we forget to admit that. We all put our blinders on because we don’t want to offend and we don’t want to feel like assholes. But what if we were all just a little more honest with ourselves?
Aaron and I started “trying” earlier this year in February/March. Everyone said be patient, it takes time. I knew from some of my friends that sometimes time meant a few months and sometimes it meant fertility pills, negative tests and more. So when we got pregnant right away, I was in shock. I didn’t think it would be so soon and I wasn’t mentally ready to give up summer glasses of pinot grigio, fitting into a bikini comfortably and to start feeling fatigued all hours of the day. On paper, Aaron and I were ready to start a family: good jobs, a home to bring him or her to, a solid marriage. But these things don’t change the BIG changes awaiting you. When I saw the positive pregnancy test, I was excited and felt fortunate, but part of me was also resentful that Aaron didn’t have to change anything about his life. That was the hardest part for me, changing so much when nothing around you is changing. It’s incredibly selfish, I admit it. I was afraid of all the changes that were about to occur in my life, but no one elses.
I had a pretty easy first trimester, with a touch of nausea, but I can’t put into words and explain the fatigue I felt those first weeks. I took long naps each night and felt mad that nothing was getting done around the house, for my blog, etc. By the second trimester, I was feeling more back to my old self, but still missing a cold beer on a Friday night, sushi and just not feeling 100%. We were traveling and to be honest, while the trips were still fun, they weren’t quite as fun. You just can’t do as much when your pregnant and there is no denying it. I had to stop running due to leg pain, my pants stopped fitting and I definitely got more winded while walking. Finally at 30 weeks, I started getting the “bump” and feeling the flutters of little baby kicks that everyone said were so beautifully weird/lovely. It was at this moment that I finally said to myself “okay, I think I can do this.” I think being able to feel baby move made it more real for me. Some women feel it’s “real” right away and for some of us, it takes more time. If you’re like me, don’t feel bad about this, eventually you will find the beauty in it all.
But even all those baby flutters, jabs and Dr. visits hearing the heartbeat can’t make you un-feel pregnancy. Sleeping is challenging, you pee yourself frequently, you swell, and your boobs and other lady areas do things you’ve never even imagined (and you don’t want to imagine). At the end of the day, you’re growing a human being. It’s incredibly amazing what women’s bodies are capable of, terrifying and also just plain weird. Yes, it’s an honor, it’s a privilege, but it’s also so damn hard that I lost count of how many times I’ve cried from just feeling uncomfortable, tired and “off.” It’s okay to cry. Remember, you’re allowed to be a little selfish when you’re giving your body up to another human.
So that’s what I want to say to you momma– if you’re like me and haven’t basked in the glory of pregnancy every five seconds, you’re not alone. I struggled too, I found it hard too, and I too missed my pre-pregnancy life/sleep/diet, etc. It doesn’t mean you’re going to be a bad mom. It doesn’t mean you’re taking God’s gift for granted or that you don’t feel for all the women who want babies so bad that they dream about them in their sleep. It doesn’t mean you love that little baby you’re growing any less. It just means you’re human and change is hard. You’re not alone, I’m here too. Pregnancy is no easy feat and I know being a mother is even harder, but let’s take it one step at a time. That’s the best we can all do after all.