Dear Friend

Photo Amy Fansler Photography

Dear friend,

It’s 3AM and I’m sitting in the back room of our house nursing…you know the room. The one that used to be my office, I called and asked you if pink was a bad idea before painting the walls. As I was scrolling through Facebook (Aaron told me I have to stop shopping while nursing—you know him) I wanted to text you something funny I thought of but I stopped because the world is sleeping– you are sleeping. I think of you so many times throughout the day and as I sat watching our favorite show the other afternoon I started crying just missing my previous life, my previous friendships. I hope you know I want to call you during morning naps, or quiet play times, but I can’t. Your life has gone on as it should, but it’s made connecting a challenge and for that I’m sorry. You see, I didn’t think it would be this way…this hard. I was the mom-to-be who pretended that nothing would change, that I wouldn’t change. But I have. Motherhood has changed me and I’ll never be the same.

Even as I write this, I am covered in spit up from her last feeding. My hair has been in a top knot for days and you’d think my skin would be perfect from the days in a row I have yet to wear makeup. But it’s not. There are bags under my eyes, and at any given time I can’t remember if I’ve brushed my teeth for the day or not. I have unread text messages and emails upon emails to go through and when I look in the mirror I hardly recognize this woman I’ve become in a mere 12 weeks. My days revolve around trying to get a baby to nap, trying to remember if our dogs have went out and managing the piles of laundry that seem to grow with every blink of an eye.

I want you to know though, you’re still very much in my heart, on my mind. I know you understand that life is challenging right now, but I want you to know I haven’t forgotten you. I still want to know the answers to all the questions. How is the house? How is the job? How is life? These are questions I used to ask weekly, but I can’t remember the last time I had the opportunity. The last time we chatted I went on and on about “momhood” and about all the struggles thinking we’d have all the time to get all caught up on each other’s lives.

Silly me.

These days, my conversations are always cut short by hunger cries or poopy diapers.

Life goes on I guess.

I just felt the need to write this today and tell you, it won’t always be this hard. Sure, I’ll always be a mom and things will come up, but right now, I’m just trying to figure out this new normal, this new life. But time will pass, I’ll find my grove and your friend will come back to you. Babies test friendships, but ours has already withstood everything else, so I am confident we can withstand this phase too.

I can’t wait until I find my grove in this journey. When I know exact nap times vs. chat times, when I feel like a human again. Until then, don’t give up on me. I still care, I still want to know. I’m just trying to find a balance in all of this chaos– the balance between wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, etc. etc. One day, you’ll be in this same predicament and while it’s hard to understand now what I’m going through, you will then. In that moment, you’ll be glad that I went through this phase because you’ll need this time too. It’s hard to really understand it until you’re living it and when you are, I’ll be here, waiting for your call knowing you’re just trying to do your best. Aren’t we all afterall?

XX, me