Just a pic of me and my light at a friend’s birthday party last week, creating sticker crowns.
Hey there friends. It’s been a hot minute, hasn’t it? Let’s just say, 2020 did not start the way I thought it would…but I’m here now, so let’s get started finally, shall we?
As many of you know from this post, the last six months have been full of shock, heartache and struggle for me personally and professionally. I’ve been wanting to share all the details of what’s been going on, but it’s just not the right thing to do for those involved. It’s so hard as an influencer to find that sweet spot between sharing and staying private. While I want to be real, transparent and honest, I also have to remember I have a family to protect, a daughter and a million other reasons to be candid.
SO without sharing everything, here is what I can share with you. The last six months have been hell. I’ve had so many of you reach out with questions and concerns and from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Your concern has made me feel warm on the chilliest of dark winter days. While I have stepped away from blogging for the last six months, I have missed it so dearly. I’ve missed you, and I’ve missed our chats.
I know there is so much concern and curiosity and while I don’t owe anyone anything, I want to share what I can because as I always say, no one’s life is perfect and as influencers, we share the best. So I’m here to share the worst to let you know, we all have dark days, weeks and months. As many of you know, we sold our beloved home that we had done SO.MUCH.WORK to over the year and a half we were there. When we bought our house, we immediately dove head first into everything about our new home and new neighborhood. We loved it and we thought we loved the people in it (and still do 90% of them!). The truth is though, what we thought was SO good, ended up being so bad.
During the year we were in that gorgeous home, Aaron and I found ourselves growing more and more distant, and the sad thing is that we didn’t even stop to fix it. We were spending time with the wrong people, prioritizing the wrong things and we lost all communication and meaning in our marriage. We forgot why we even got married in the first place and combined with living next to individuals whom I thought were our close friends, we found ourselves in a completely toxic environment. This all came to a head towards the end of summer when everything imploded. We found ourselves strangers and hiding behind people who weren’t looking out for our best interests. And in return, we realized we weren’t looking out for our own best interests.
It’s so hard to write these words, but there were so many nights I laid in bed crying myself to sleep and thinking about divorce and what that meant for my little family who I thought at one time was so lucky and so very happy. At a breaking point, with so many tears and regrets, Aaron and I decided that in order to try to fix our relationship back to what had been good 11 years before our lives changed, we needed to separate ourselves from certain individuals and a home and neighborhood we loved. We literally gave up our lives to try to repair our marriage and signed a lease on an apartment.
Our home sold in two days and I cried.
The thing is though, is that when we moved into that apartment, I felt empty, like we were trying to move forward, but were just stuck. We had planned to stay there for six to eight months, but with a toddler and two dogs, I was itching to have our own space again. That’s when we just started “browsing” and found a house we both loved and thought could be a new beginning for our family.
Unfortunately, a house can’t solve the problems we’re facing. Aaron and I are essentially trying to “date” again to figure out if we’re supposed to be in this life together and what is best for Penelope. I don’t know if my marriage can be saved, but we’re working on it. We go to counseling, we try to be a family. It’s a daily struggle with a ton of work needed from both sides. I don’t know if our marriage will survive, but I hope it does.
So now you know some more details and why we’ve moved twice in the last six months. I still wake up every day thinking it’s all a dream, but it’s not and the only thing to do is move forward. In a matter of six months, we’ve lost money, a home we loved and friendships we thought were genuine only to find they were completely opposite. It’s made me second guess everything. What I thought would be a new start to 2020 ended in heart break when on top of all the other grief I had a miscarriage very early on and I found myself literally sobbing and asking myself “why me” over and over again. But then I remembered, “why not me?”
So there you have it my friends. I’m trying to pick myself, my family and my business back up and it’s challenging. I don’t know what the next six months hold, but I hope it’s more sunshine and smiles than the last six have brought. Here is what I know:
I love my daughter and we’ll do whatever is best for her, because she is the light on the darkest of days. One look at her and I remember the meaning of hope.
I love my husband, but we both lost sight of everything that was important and I hope we can find it again.
I miss writing and creating and just being myself. I hope you’ll let me come back and continue to do that for you.
There is always hope sweet friends. No matter how dark, how fearful or how empty you feel. There is light somewhere… please cling to it. Life is challenging, unfair and sometimes just plain hard. But it can be beautiful too; in the moments you very least expect it. It’s hard to remember, but you have to try. You have to have hope.
I know I do.
P.S. Now that I’m bawling writing this, I want to say I’m back and ready to bring CB&BP to your screens again. Thank you for being there. I hope your coffee is as warm as y’all’s hearts.
Wow this is very heavy stuff, girlfriend. I’m so sorry!! Makes sense now why you left that gorgeous house behind but you’re doing the right thing. No regrets I’m life!
Hang in there and thanks for sharing this!! 🌸🤍
Girl ur not alone..nick and I have been in therapy for year and almost got divorced in August. Life I social is so easy to get jealous and envious but people only
Post the good not the bad. And marriage is hard and messy!
True forgiveness is key! It is soo important in even the best marriages. Focus on yourself and how you can be a better spouse/partner and your hubby will too. It is already apparent by your decisions that you are both choosing each other. A dumb house and fake friends can be replaced and doesn’t mean anything. A valued partner in life on the other hand is priceless. Be kind and extend grace and patience to each other even when you feel the other doesn’t deserve it. Trust me… more of us has been there than you realize. Thanks for sharing. We’re all praying fo you!
I think selling your house and changing your whole lives was incredibly difficult but shows your commitment to each other. I’m praying for you and your family. Fight like nothing else to save your marriage for your daughter’s sake. There is no doubt you love her and I’m rooting for you guys!
I don’t have any advice for you… But what I can say is that you are loved, you have a beautiful daughter and life gets uncomfortable when things need to change. You’re trying for those changes and so your path will be made clearer now… Whatever happens, you have got this x
I’m sure this wasn’t easy to write-but you are so strong to share it even while in the midst of it!
Nothing is for certain- but everything will work out how it needs to, all in due time. Somehow and someway. Allow yourself some grace in this period of unknowns. We will keep reading when you are ready to come back, don’t worry about us.
Oh my goodness Amy! 💔 First let me offer my sympathy on the loss of your baby. It is so devastating and I don’t think it is talked about or honored as it should be. I wish you healing & comfort.
I, like many, have been where you’ve been and where you’ve are.
Regardless of how long people have been together and how strong a relationship is, having a child puts a strain on that by adding one, very adorable, very need human being into the mix. It splits your focus and not always evenly. It’s so easy to drop the ball especially on your relationship.
How much easier it is to love an adorable, unconditionally loving baby/toddler than an irritating partner. 😆 We’ve all been there!
It takes so much extra effort, patience and intention to get through those early years as new parents but you will find each other again and be stronger because of the struggle.
My advice to younger couples is what you & Aaron are doing…turning towards each other, in big ways! (Moving? That’s big) That shows a strong desire to be together and not just for Penelope, but for you as a couple.
I read a quote recently that said:
“If you quit now, you’ll end up right back where you first began.
And when you first began, you were desperate to be where you are right now.”
Couples who work through growing “distant” grow stronger by working through it and resetting their priorities. Distance is something you will experience in ALL relationships, it isn’t a “sign” that you don’t belong together.
When you take a road trip and you come to a STOP sign you don’t say, “Okay, I guess this is the end of the trip.“ You stop, look, and continue on. This isn’t the end of your road trip of marriage, it’s a STOP sign. Get our your navigation tools and carry-on.
Building your marriage back up makes it stronger and more fulfilling so when this phase rolls around again, and it will, you have confidence in yourselves and in each other that you can get through it. Surround yourselves with successful couples who build each other up…those are your tribe.
My husband & I will celebrate our 40th anniversary next month. We’ve been together since we were 18/19. We have been through the darkest times. The times when other people would choose to divorce/separate. But we thought about what had brought us together and those things were still there, albeit buried under the distance. We have fought through those dark times many times.
People always have told me/us that we are so lucky. Yes, I’m lucky I found Mark and vice-versa. But luck only brought us together, it didn’t keep us together.
I will end with this. I just bought Mark a beautiful piece of art from Lindsay Letters for our upcoming anniversary. It says
“All because two people fell in love…
and decided to work really hard to stay that way.”
That’s the truth…love is a daily decision, not an emotion. It sounds like you & Aaron are making that decision each day you are together going to counseling, going on dates, being thoughtful & intentional about showing your love.
I’m sending you & Aaron all my best heartfelt wishes for success in your marriage.
Warmly,
Sharon
I love you and your strength and knowing you, I know how hard this was for you to write. But you wrote it beautifully and with all your heart. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you (and your family) we all go through bumps, your bump just happened to be more of a mountain and I see you conquering it daily. Keep going girl and Im eager to see all that coffee beans and Bobby pins has coming its way!
I love you and this is real. I appreciate your honesty and strength. ♥️
First of all, I absolutely love that adorable picture at the top of this post. P could not get any cuter 🙂
Second, thank you so much for sharing this. I have a feeling it will serve as inspiration for others who might find themselves in a similar situation, whether now or in the future. I know that I, for one, will always remember this post. I am so inspired by how you and Aaron didn’t just jump ship right away and get a divorce. It sounds like you both saw your issues for what they really were, removed yourself from a toxic situation, and are now willing to live in a state of discomfort in order to try to repair what has been broken. I find that amazingly inspirational. You are being real, mature adults, and not just taking the easy way out. It is good and right to fight for your marriage, and it sounds like you are doing just that. You and Aaron are a wonderful example of the right way to work on a struggling marriage. I applaud you.
Third, I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. While I myself have never been pregnant, I know countless women who have experienced miscarriage. I don’t know the best sympathetic words to say, other than that I am so sorry for your loss.
Although I’m a total stranger to you (lol), I’ll be praying for your family! Looking forward to seeing you blog more! Take care!
I wish I could give you the biggest hug! Thank you for sharing your story. I 100% believe that you have the choice of what to share here, and for you to open up like this is incredibly humbling. I’m sending you some sunshine and love! You will get through this, and you will be changed by it. Change is not a bad thing, although it is usually spurred by something bad. Give that little cutie a hug and know things will get better!
Oh Amy, thank you for sharing and putting yourself out there like this. Like you said, you and Aaron will do what is best for you all as a family – and at the end of the day that is all that matters. Thinking of you!
Sending hugs❤️
You are so brave to share. <3 What a devastating time for your family. You're putting each other and your family first, which says everything about how badly you both want to make it work. Sending love, light and so many hugs as you guys figure out how to move forward from here.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through all of this. My heart absolutely breaks for you! Sending love and prayers your way!
Marriage is so hard….but definitely worth fighting for! Thanks for sharing your personal struggles. I will keep you, Aaron and P in my prayers. I’m confident that wherever you live, you will make it a home. Everything happens for a reason….it’s just hard to see it sometimes. Please know that you have true family and friends who are your cheerleaders in life and are there to support you. I know we haven’t spoken to each other in years but I always feel connected to “my girls”. I’m a PM or phone call away….ALWAYS. 😘
I can’t say what I would do if I were in your shoes, I would say leave that garbage behind because it doesn’t matter anymore. Stay strong, surround yourself with friends and family you trust. We can never get back what we’ve lost but we can always start over. You have built so much and you can continue to do so. Girl look what you’ve made here, influencing and sharing what you know. You have plenty of people who admire you and want to hear what you have to say. Then there is your little coffee bean who is your heart and soul! I wish you the best, keep moving forward however long it takes 😘
I’m so glad you’re back! I’ve been struggling so bad lately with the whole why am I married?! My husband has a temper and can’t rationally be talked to. Trying to talk about a fight/issue, just makes a new one. It doesn’t make me feel better knowing others are dealing with that. But you’re honesty is refreshing and I needed it. Thank you and welcome back!
Thanks for sharing! As awful as what you’re going through is, it’s nice to read and know you’re not alone. I’ve had similar struggles and almost felt embarrassed to talk about it – like I failed at something. It seems like a huge duh but communication really was key for us. Someone also shared this with me and it really resonated – When someone is willing to struggle with you so that they can build with you, that’s love. I hope life starts to throw some good things your way. It’s nice to have you back ❤️